Once a Parent, Always a Parent

I wrote this yesterday but I was to nervous to post it... Sorry for the delay... 

About six months into our marriage I was baby hungry. I wanted to have a baby. I would see a cute little baby in church and slyly comment to Izac how cute it was... how cute ours would be... We would see babies and the grocery store and I would let my husband know again of my desire to have a baby. He knew that I was baby hungry... And I bugged him with it all the time.  

I had relatives and friends I knew that had suffered with infertility. Some of these I even knew of growing up. I was your typical little girl that played house with her dolls and dreamed of having a family of my own. These friends and relatives that suffered with infertility was a growing concern to me and I often voiced it to Izac. If we were going to be one of those couples that struggled with infertility I would rather know sooner than later so that we could start working on it... 

My wise husband convinced me to that we needed to try to plan the baby's due date around my schooling. While I had high doubts that we would get pregnant right away. We waited to 'try' until the due date would be after I graduated, if we happened to pregnant right away. I had my doubts that such a thing would happen to me.

The time shortly came that we could start 'trying' to have a baby. I just knew that it was going to take 4-6 months for it to happen because that was how it was for most people... ( I had done my homework...) I was average in pretty much everything and didn't think that this would be an exception.

What do you know...  

Not even a month later and we were expecting... 

Our little Ryker came two months early (that is another story for another time...) right in the middle of my last semester. We were over joyed at our bundle of joy. He ended up being in the hospital for a month and a half before we were able to take him home. 

We had a baby but we didn't. We spent 3-4 hours a day with him at the hospital but the nurses were with him for the rest of the time. He wasn't really ours yet it seemed because, life went on as normal for us with the exception of hospital visits. I went to school; I did homework. Izac went to school; and he did homework.... 

When that little baby was finally released to come home I was in for a big shock. Like BIG shock. I could no longer do what ever with Izac, when ever. We had to keep him strictly inside for at least one month and then winter was going to be close around the corner and we knew that we couldn't take our preemie baby out during that time....

I struggled BIG time...

I had MEGA doubts that I could be a mom...

I wished... I really wished.... That we had waited longer... That it had taken us longer to get pregnant...

I wasn't ready... 

I didn't get to do all things with Izac that I had wanted to and now I had to stay home ALL the time with this little baby. I couldn't just leave to run to the store. I couldn't surprise my husband at work. We couldn't leave and do spontaneous things together because we had a baby...

Life was hard for me. 

I doubted my self..

I wondered why I had been so baby hungry. 

My husband wondered if I was going to make it. 

I wondered if I was going to make it. 

Sometime amiss my struggle I thought of the following line: 'The sooner we start, the sooner we will be done.' The sooner that our kids are here, the sooner they will be raised... (Terrible thinking, I know...)

Since this last weekend that line has been one of my saving graces on the more difficult days. 'The sooner we start the sooner we are done...' My husband has heard me say that line many times, and those close to me have also heard it. I wished I had had more time alone with Izac before our bundle of joy came. It came to me on an almost daily basis and I would just cry about it...

Things adjusted better the older he got, but at times that wish would come back to me... Why hadn't I waited at least a year?? Or two?? Or three?? and gotten to spend some quality time with my husband getting to know him... 

Saturday my husband had to work. I was at home with the baby and things were good other than I was down on my confidence...

My hair looked terrible. 

My face had too many spots.

The weight that I have wanted to loose since Thanksgiving was still there.

It was one of those down days... Nothing was encouraging to me about the way I looked that day. 

Izac and I had planned to get some shoes that evening. I was in bad need of some running shoes and he in need of some shoes to wear to school. We had been talking about getting shoes for weeks but just hadn't had the time to get it done. That night was going to be the night... The schedule was free and we were going to fill it with shoe shopping. 

I packed the baby up and we headed into town to meet my husband. We beat him to the store and the baby was getting fussy, while we waited for him to arrive. I just knew that every eye was turning towards me and my crying baby. My cheeks flushed with embarrassment and I hoped that my husband would arrive soon. The only thing that would console our little one was to take his little hands in mine and let him 'walk,' with me supporting him, around the store. This made it rather difficult for me to try on shoes. 

I wanted to find a sturdy running shoe that was comfortable, looked good, wasn't too expensive, and would last for a good long while. I wanted to try on all brands to make sure that I got the right ones... Luckily, when my husband arrived my father-in-law and brother-in-law were with him and they took the baby while Izac and I were able to try on shoes. 

I could not find any that were comfortable that looked good enough. It didn't help that my hair, face, and body didn't look the way that I wanted them too. My mood was souring fast and our crying baby really didn't help the matter. My husband found his shoes and took the baby. I was about ready to give up on my searching to leave it for another time. I wasn't going to find the right shoes in my sour mood. But there on the middle isle were some shoes that I hadn't seen before. I looked, and looked but I didn't see my size on the shelf. I was going to find the store associate for assistance when I seen another pair that I thought I'd try on while I waited for him. I grabbed the top box and inside was the shoe from the middle isle and it was my size. I was overjoyed that they had been 'placed' in my pathways for me to 'stumble' across. I grabbed them and we high tailed it out of the store with our crying baby.  

I was in no mood to cook dinner. We had a gift card to Applebees and I suggested to my husband that maybe we go out to eat on that. He was happy about the idea and it was decided that we were going to go to dinner. 

Finally, some time to relax with my wonderful husband and just enjoy an evening with him and our baby. Little Ryker was usually good at restaurants so I was sure that we were going to be able to relax without him causing a scene. 

We got sat down and ordered our food when our little one starting fussing. Heads starting turning our way wondering where all the noise was coming from. We gave him a piece of celery to gnaw on and that calmed him for a bit, but steadily the crying and noise volume increased. We were going to have to leave and we were going to have to leave soon. I was grateful that Applebees service was fast and got our food out to us quick because Ryker was becoming inconsolable. We could not calm him down for anything. 

Finally, I just told Izac that I was going to take the baby outside.... He could box up the rest of our food and pay the check. Thoughts of wishing we had waited longer to have kids came rushing back to my head. I was so frustrated with myself, my crying baby and I just wanted some quite, peaceful, relaxing time with Izac.  

We got home and I wasn't in a good mood. Hardly anything about the evening had made me very happy and my self-confidence issues didn't help. 

I knew that I was being obstinate, grumpy and testy. Izac knew it too. I was again wishing we had waited to have kids. I knew that I was being unreasonable and I knew that I needed to change my attitude...

I decided to put on my new shoes; I was really happy that somehow I had found them in the small amount of time that we were there. I gave my patient husband a hug and told him thanks for the shoes. He knew that I was still somewhat frustrated, because it still lined my face. I told him 'the sooner we start the sooner we are done'. 

He patiently replied and continued to tell me that is was a little different than that.... We are never going to be done being parents. We will have kids, then grand kids; and we will never have the time back that we had before our little baby came. Yes, they will grow up, but it will never be the same; they will always be depending on us in some way or another. He told me 'Once a Parent, Always a Parent'. 

I had self regret as he told me this and I wondered how I was going to make it X more years raising kids... It was a tough moment and realization for me... 

Yesterday, Sunday, we went to my in-laws after church to visit. Ryker was getting really fussy and I knew that he was tired. I took him in my arms and went in the basement to try and get him to go to sleep. It was just little Ryker and I down there. He cried and screamed at me for a time because he didn't want to fall asleep, he was fighting it with all he had... Those doubts and thoughts came back into my head. I remembered that primary songs had helped clear my head of negative thoughts when I was younger so I started softly singing them to my crying son. 

After a short time he calmed and relaxed in my arms and before long he fell asleep right there in my arms. This little man was mine (ours) to raise. I had helped make him, I grew him inside of me and fed him. He was a part of me and my husband and I was his mom. The spirit of the moment completely overwhelmed me, bringing tears to my eyes. 

I was a mom. 

I was supposed to be a mom. 

I didn't need to 'wish' that I had waited to have kids. The Lord had blessed us with this little boy immediately, when I wanted, and I had been terribly ungrateful. The feeling I had holding that sleeping baby in my arms confirmed to me that I was where I was supposed to be, doing what I was supposed to be doing. That feeling of confirmation, of sweet, calm reassurance, was so much more fulfilling than the empty wishes I had been hoping for, for the last nine months. I felt peace and knew with my Lord's help I could do anything. I could be a mom and not wish I had waited longer. I could handle a crying baby in a store or a restaurant. I was blessed with a child and I was taking him for granted. 

There is another saying that I have particularly liked since I had a baby and it is:  'A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step'. I would add to that though.. 'A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step-make the best of it'. Enjoy the moments you have. Don't 'wish' your life away like I tend to do at times. Be strong and know that the Lord is there. He hears. And He answers. I know it. 

One step at at time. 
I can do this.
And if I can do it so can you.  

Once a Parent, Always a parent.  -Make the best of it! :)

I got the picture at: http://otrazhenie.files.wordpress.com/2013/08/step.jpg