Engaged!

                

This is basically straight from my journal, five years ago and is a continued post on how Izac proposed to me! The post that goes before this is called: A More Excited Girl I hope you enjoy! 

               I pulled on to the road that took me down to mesa falls and my GPS said that my destination was on the right but there was nothing on the right but a bunch of trees. I was somewhat confused because the when the GPS took me to R mountain (the spot of our first date) it led me right up the hill to the direct spot. I looked around for something in the trees and didn’t see anything right off. I decided to go park my car and then go from there. I looked for Izac’s bronco or another of their family’s car and didn’t see anything. I was guessing Izac was going to be at the next spot. I was going to walk over to the trees and look but then I got to thinking… I thought: “He wouldn’t lead me back here, we never did anything back there.” And my gut was telling me just to go look down at the falls and then if nothing was there I could come back and look. I jogged to the deck that was on the side of the mountain and over looked the falls and then fast walked. I was looking everywhere for something. Finally, I saw a card on a bench at the bottom, on the deck, were a few months ago we had shared our first kiss. I ran down there… fast. There weren’t many people around. I didn’t pay a ton of attention ( I had other things on my mind  but I think that I was the only person down there) the card with my name on it was taped to the bench. I opened it up and on the outside of the card it said “Take a seat” I sat down, card in hand, and opened it up.  “My favorite memory by far! Words can’t describe how I felt the first time we were here Probably very similar to how we both feel at this moment. (My heart was beating so fast and my knees were shaking) You are a wonderfully amazing woman Joslyn! I love everything about you!!!” “Nothing would make me happier than to be your man Forever! Take your time, look at the forest, look at the waterfall and I will be with you soon!!! ;) " 

(Sneaky Izac was on the upper deck taking pictures of me :) )

               I was shaking good. I decided to stand up and walk to the rail and look at the beautiful earth that God gave us to live on.

 Part of me was a little bit confused. I didn’t see any of Izac's families' vehicles and there wasn’t a hint to go to the next place. I finally figured that maybe he was here. I stood for a while, and so many thoughts ran through my head. ‘I really think this is real.’ ‘I really think this is real and I am REALLY excited!’ ‘I can’t think of anything better than spending forever with my man, Izac hillam.’ I thought of how much I had grown to care for him since we started dating, since our first kiss and everything in the middle. Everything had gone so smoothly that it at times almost felt too good to be true. 

          After a time I turned around to look up the mountain and there he was. My true prize! My prince! Words can’t even describe what I felt as I saw him standing there. I couldn’t hold back any longer. On the verge of tears I sprinted up the deck and brought him close and smothered him in kisses… poor guy probably couldn’t breathe but I was SO glad to see him!! We told each other we loved each other and then went back down to where just moments before I had been standing.  He pulled me close and we held each other in a tight embrace. I felt something in his pocket that felt like a ring box… WOW this really was happening!! After hugging and kissing some more he told me he loved me and that he wanted to spend forever with me....

           He then knelt down and said: “Joslyn.. Will you Marry Me?”  

           My heart jumped, I didn’t even let him stand up. With tears in my eyes I said: “Yes!” and started kissing him all over again. He finally was able to stand up and we kissed and hugged again. After hugging he took the ring out and slid it onto my hand. It was BEAUTIFUL!!!  A single round diamond with a band, simple but very elegant. The diamond is BIG and so clear and sparkly, I LOVE IT. He chose it out all by himself and he did a WONDERFUL job. I really don’t think I could have done better.

            Truly Amazing. 

          His love was evident all around me and now I was promised to be his. He slid it on my hand. It was just a smidgen big but still fit pretty good. I was so happy!! Although I love my ring, it’s not the ring that I was happiest about. I was happiest about getting to spend forever with the most wonderful man ever!!! He was mine, I was his, and we were promised to each other and that was the best feeling in the whole world!! 

         I think that there was a family there… We hugged again and I hollered out : “I’M ENGAGED!”  I was the happiest girl on the planet earth!!! They kind of laughed congratulated us and then left. Izac and I stood there holding each other close, the two happiest people on the earth. Some biker guys came down and we had them take our pictures.

            We talked about the daily adventures for a while before heading back up, hand in hand grinning from ear to ear. We talked at my car about the memory lane treasure hunt. Then I got a little confused. I didn’t know where is bronco was. He showed me how to shoot the air soft gun and then we both got in my car and drove to his bronco, which was in another parking lot that I didn’t know about. He put a TON of planning and thought into the whole excursion and it was better than I ever could have imagined!! I don’t think I even would have thought up something that amazing! I am the Luckiest girl Ever!  I would just grin and hug him and vice versa. He told me that the day wasn’t over yet. I was just happy to be with him.

           

          We drove down to go to the train tunnel that he had told me about a while ago. Once we got to the parking lot he got the bikes out, put the front tires on (he had to take the front tires off to get two to fit in the back of the Bronco) and we headed on our way. It was a beautiful day, no wind, and just a bit chilly. I took Izac’s jacket and we rode to the tunnel. 

           It wasn’t a long ride up there. It is a pretty cool and legit train tunnel! It was closed off in the middle though because it was caving in. We went to the other side and kissed, took some pictures and then climbed on top. We probably spend 15 or so minutes there, smiling, hugging, and talking. After some time we headed down the trail and went all the way down on a trail that followed a river. It was a beautiful trail and we were able to ride side by side and talk with each other because it was wide enough for two! So fun and surreal.

          It was around three and Izac and I were both hungry so we decided to go to Big Judd’s. On the way to Big Judds I called my dad and told him. He was pretty happy about it, and I also called my mom and she was excited too. I told the waitress at Big Judds that we had just got engaged and she congratulated us. We actually ran in to some people that Izac knew and I guess they had seen us at mesa falls. It was kind of funny.  Macady stared texting me and they all wanted to see my beautiful ring but it didn’t look good on my picture on the phone so I made them wait till we got back.

           As we ate our Big Judd we talked and I found out more of the story. Izac had met with my parents like a week or so ago, he said he asked them if he could marry me and my dad was really emotional. It was cute the way Izac told me! I love my dad so much!! What a great guy! 

(My dad and I! PS Dad, I like your beard trimmed shorter like in this picture! :) )

           I also found out that a part we had delivered to Rexburg really wasn’t a part, it was Izac’s payment for my ring. Lol and I was right there with him! Things started to fall into place the more we talked. Izac had one of my siblings take my GPS. It was just funny to find out all of these things after, and the building of the proposal in some respect was happening right in front of me. Lol. I love Izac!! Izac had also only gotten one hour of sleep last night so by the time we finished eating he was pretty worn out. I was worried if he was going to make it to my house ok. (We were still in separate cars (the reason that we needed to head back was for my close friend's wedding reception)) Izac had a pair of walkie-talkies so we each took one and talked with each other on the way back. It was kind of fun, and it kept him awake. I care so much for him! I was still grinning as we drove the rest of the way to my house.

            When we got to my house everyone was anxious to hear the story and see my ring, Tasha had even made her date and friends wait so she could see my ring.

(Yes, I have fat fingers!)

 I was SO excited and so happy to share our wonderful story with my family. I let Izac lay down for a bit because he hadn't got much sleep and I started calling all my extended family and sharing the good news with them. They were all pretty happy and excited for me! 

           At about 6:30pm we headed over to my friend's reception. My parents had left earlier and I guess they had told my friend that I was engaged. She ran to me when we got there and gave me a great big hug. I was still smiling big. 

(At my friend's reception)

This caused commotion and a lot of people asked, the whole ward/ community pretty much found out at her reception that I was engaged!  It was enjoyable telling them and having Izac there with me. I was such a happy girl! And I was wearing my true love’s ring! We ate and talked and stayed like the whole reception. Telling anyone who wanted to listen what a wonderful day I had had and how I was engaged to prince charming! 

         I was the happiest girl in the whole entire world!! Izac did so much for me today and put a lot of work into it! I am engaged to the most AMAZING guy in the world and I love him and look forward very much to spending forever with him. I really couldn’t be happier!! 

(All the things Izac gave me with the cards! So thoughtful!)

If you want to read previous posts of 'Our Love Story' Click ~HERE~ 

Thoughts Matter

Izac and I went to the 'Limitless' seminar last weekend and it was incredible, uplifting, empowering and life changing. I realized with a strong force that I had been living far below my potential. I had so many personal breakthroughs in realizing how much divine potential I really have. I want to delve into and share with you what I have learned and been trying to incorporate into my life and hopefully inspire you to find and have your own breakthroughs!

I want to start by telling a little of what 'Limitless' is: (I actually just typed the next three paragraphs to one of my friends, it was so good I wanted to use it here!) Limitless is a three day seminar. Their focus is to empower people to learn that they can be 'Limitless' and it is just a matter of changing your thought process. They main areas they focus on is helping people improve in the areas of health, relationships, connection, and wealth. It was so interesting to find out how I was holding my own self back by the thoughts I was thinking and how much harm they were doing. 

They talk about stepping out of our comfort zones and that lasting transformation only occurs when we step out of our comfort zone. It made so much sense to me because that it when we are really tested to see how we will react. I love my comfort zone but I have come to realize that if I don't step out I will never influence the lives that need me. In other words I will never live up to my divine potential. The whole three days was filled with transformational moments that in future posts I will delve deeper into. 

 These eye opening moments were fantastic. They made me understand a lot of things in a new and better light. But what I loved most about it is that I felt the spirit confirm time and time again that I was a daughter of God and that I have the capability and potential to step out of my comfort zone and do what I needed to do to be the person God needs me to be. I am going to make better choices, especially in how I think,  now that I have learned what my old choices were doing to me. Here is one example:

Our minds are SO powerful!  The thoughts we think manifest themselves in our lives even if we don't consciously realize it. After I had Millie I wanted to fit into my old clothes. I wanted to lose weight but I thought that I was fat... and I didn't feel I had the self control it took to lose weight.... Guess what began to manifest in my life? I gained about 10 pounds.... and I didn't have the self control to stick with diet or exercise program for more than a couple of days....When they taught us about how powerful our thoughts were at the seminar it was like: 'MIND BLOWN!' I have been creating my own negativity and negative results because of what my thoughts consisted of: 'I am fat' 'I can't do this' 'I am not strong enough' 'I don't have the self control' Our thoughts matter because they become matter! When these thoughts try to plague my mind I have decided to replace them with the following 'I am becoming thin' 'I can do this' 'I have the will power it takes to eat healthy' 'I have and posses self control and posses the desire to choose the healthier option.' I feel very optimistic that I will be able to fit into my old clothes by the fourth of July.  Our thoughts matter because they become matter!

I have learned SO many things and in the half week since I have been back! I will continue to share with you what I have learned and hope you will be able to find some area in your life to apply it. If you have any questions or want details on how to go to a 'Limitless' Seminar let me know!

Journaling

Journaling. 

        I have been thinking a lot about this lately. I have began to realize how important it is to record the little moments that really aren't going to always be there, like the ones with my children. They are growing ever so fast and I want to remember all the little special moments.
        This has meant that I have had to change the way I journal. I used to hand write everything. I love the authenticity of my own handwriting, and still do, but it became too time consuming and impractical when I can type three to four times faster...
        I have been typing my journal entries for a little while now and just got a bunch printed off. I initial every page and sign at the bottom of the finished ones to still leave a trace of authenticity. It saves me SO much time to type and I am able to record more and in better detail.  Here is a small entry from recently: 
   We had started playing a game of 3-14 with my parents, Ryker was sitting outside in a patio chair watching Macady try and shoot pesky birds. The last round was played and I had the lowest score. I had won! I looked out the open window, bending over slightly to see Ryker and I said: Guess what Ryke? I won! He looked at me smiled and smirked before he said ‘You one...? I two! haha!' (yes he literally did the haha) It was so funny, we all started giggling at his practical way of thinking! 
      I would encourage you to try doing a little bit of journaling this week. It doesn't have to be typed or written. You could do a voice recording, a video of yourself,  or scrap booking.
     Through personal record keeping you can learn from your trials and enjoy reading the times of thrill and fun, think of what your posterity could learn from you too. It has been so much fun for me to be able to read back and recall details I had forgotten of the day that Izac proposed, which will be coming soon in the next blog on 'Our Love Story'.  :) 

 Printed and put in order!

My Major

It has been a while since I wrote on my blog. I sat down with the intent to continue Izac's and I's love story. I at least want to get it finished up until we got married, although we had some crazy times on our honeymoon that would make a good story too. Anyways, while I was wanting to post an entry to get that finished up, I got distracted.

I picked up my journal to read and remind myself of the next entry for 'our love story', and the first thing I read said this: "School started for me on Monday, I was really frustrated the whole day, wondering if I was majoring in the right thing or not. For some reason it was really bothering me....I was just frustrated... and cried a bit. It really wan't a terrible day I just wasn't excited about my classes."

It reminded me of how I have been feeling lately. I really only have  two regrets from my past. One is that I didn't major in what I loved, Horticulture, and the other is that I didn't do better at Nationals for Nursery Landscape with the FFA. If I could change those two things right now I probably honestly would.

Practical Joslyn though, had to have a way to make money in something that was (and seemed) reliable. It made sense in my head that Health Care Administration would be able to support me financially comfortably. I don't and didn't mind paperwork (that is basically what that degree is...) and I was relatively good at it, so the practical side won and I have a degree in Health Care Administration (I don't regret having a degree in any way shape or form, I just wish it was in something I loved!).

My other rationalization was that I could open a garden nursery without a horticulture degree, that one day I could still do it on the side for fun. Which I still believe I can, I just know how much more I would be ahead if I had done all the research and learning while in college. My degree at one point, was even Horticulture and I changed it... Hindsight wishes I wasn't so practical sometimes. If I really loved it, and I did and do, I would have been able to support myself financially and comfortably.

This post isn't saying how my hopes and dreams for owning a nursery are destroyed because I didn't get my major in Horticulture. I still plan on owning a  nursery someday. This post is just saying to Major in or do what you really love. Being practical is good to some extent but as long as you are smart in doing what you love it will never hurt you.

Motherly Anguish

      The other night Izac and I were just getting ready to go to bed when we heard a noise from Ryker's room. He had been put to bed a couple hours prior and had been asleep. The noise resembled that of gagging, coughing, or choking, so I ran in there to make sure he was still breathing and he was sound asleep, bum in the air face laying on the mattress. I was confused and looked around and then the smell hit me. It was the smell of fresh puke. I moved his blankets a little more and found exactly what I had smelt. Baby puke all over. I woke Ryker up getting him out of the crib and handed him over to daddy to get him bathed while I changed his bedding.
I. did. not. want. a. sick. kid...
     We got him bathed and settled back in bed and a short time later he threw up again. I let Izac sleep this time because there wasn't a lot and he had to be to work in the morning. After some time Ryker went back to sleep, as did I.
For. a. short. time.
      I woke up with a start. A thought came into my mind. I instantly knew that it was one of those motherly instinct thoughts that has awaken many a mothers in the night. I recalled that earlier that day I had let Ryker play with one of my make up brushes while I was trying to get ready for somewhere we had to be. It was a smaller brush and soon he had pulled the brush part away from the handle thing, I took the brush part away and told him not to put the other piece in his mouth. He walked off into the other room with no noise. I hurriedly followed him and checked for the handle part but it wasn't in his hands or anywhere. I couldn't find it on the floor either. He seemed to be acting fine so I picked him up and we left to our appointment. I didn't think about the brush or the small handle he had played with again...
Until. I. woke. up. with. a. start. at. 3 am.
     I knew it, I just knew that was why he was throwing up. He had swallowed the handle to my make up brush I began panicking, knowing that it was probably big enough that that his little body wouldn't be able to naturally pass it through. I was sick to my stomach thinking that I had neglected to watch my child more closely with such little objects. I began praying to my Heavenly Father that I would be able to find the piece or that our little one would be able to throw it up. I didn't stop earnestly praying.
Sleep.was. useless.
      The thought came to me that I should go check the laundry and see if he had perhaps thrown up that piece and if it was in his soiled blankets and sheets. I made my way to the basement and went through every piece of material that had been in the wash and... nothing. I didn't know what to do... I went in and Ryker was sleeping peacefully so I decided to go lay back down, all the while continuing my prayers to my Father in Heaven. I worried about having to tell Izac that I had let Ryker play with a piece that he could swallow.  All sorts of thoughts and possibilities were racing thought my thought. I thought about having to have a chest X-ray, and the $300.00 co-pay for every X-ray. I thought about the X-ray and seeing that piece in his stomach. I thought about the doctors telling us that the only way to get it out would be surgery at Primary Children's Hospital in Salt Lake. I thought about how this would wipe Izac and I clean financially.
I. just. laid. there. praying. hard. thinking. and. letting. time. pass.
     After a little while, the all to familiar noise of my son throwing up got me straight out of bed. I told Izac he threw up again and went in to clean him up. There wasn't a lot of throw up and no make up brush handle in it but Ryker was wide awake. First, I decided to look up on the internet symptoms of swallowing something, so Ryker sat on my lap and we looked it up. I read things like '...child will loose appetite and not want to eat...' Ryker had been a terrible eater since it had happened. '...vomiting is a sign that your child has swallowed something...' I was really getting worried... Ryker had, all of those symptoms. I was a terrible mother and we were going to have to pay (literally) because of me... I began pleading even harder, 'Heavenly Father, please help him throw it up, or let the doctors tell us he will be able to poop it out... Please help me...
Please. let. it. not. lead. to.surgery...'  
       I took our little boy to my rocking chair and we rocked together for a minute before he wanted to get up to play. I figured this was as good as time as any to break the news to Izac of what I thought had happened. I went in and tried as gently as I could to wake Izac up. Soon he was awake and I told him everything that I thought had happened. He didn't raise his voice or yell or call me a bad mom he just seemed disappointed and talked about what this would cost us. He didn't think that Ryker would be able to pass the piece naturally either. I told Izac we had been by the dresser and Izac started looking for the piece...
I took Ryker in my arms and started rocking him again and abruptly he got out of the chair and started gagging, I held the blanket next to his mouth and he threw up in the blanket, I encouraged him to get it out, throw it up.
I. wanted. the. piece. to. come. with. the. puke.
      Soon he was finished and I put the blanket in the laundry and went to help Izac look. I hadn't found it earlier and didn't have very high hopes of finding it but we went to help anyways. I had a thought, that I don't think I can rightfully call a thought. I think it was more like the Spirit telling me where to look. The thought was check the drawers of the dresser.... I checked the first drawer and not make up brush handle.
I. checked. the. second. drawer...
And...
        I felt something. I felt something little and hard that did not feel like a sock. I pulled it up and to my great relief I found the makeup brush handle right there! I can't even begin to describe the weight and pressure that was moved off of me! Ryker was sick from something else and he hadn't swallowed my make up brush handle. As soon as I touched that hard plastic I knew that my Heavenly Father had answered my earnest prayers! I profusely thanked him for being there for me and answering my prayers. And just a couple hours before I was going to take Ryker into the doctors office. 
He. is. there. He. does. listen. and. He. does. answer. prayers.
      Ryker acted very hungry after he threw up the last time in my blanket, we fed him like six saltine crackers and gave him some Pedialyte drink. Izac couldn't go back to sleep and decided to go to work at 5:30 am. Ryker held down the crackers, went back to bed at 6:00 am and slept until 10:00 am. He didn't throw up again. I didn't have to take him to get a chest X-Ray that morning. My prayers had been answered by a loving Heavenly Father!

He. is. there.
He. does. listen. and.
He. does. answer. prayers.

My Eclampsia Story

Approximately 365 days ago I was preparing to go to bed as any other night. I scrubbed the make up off of my face with my dampened wash cloth and proceeded to brush my teeth. As soon as I was finished with my nightly bathroom routine I laid down and felt the baby move inside of me. It is a different feeling than I had ever felt before, feeling a baby move inside and it is difficult to explain. As my husband came to lay by my side he put his hand on my protruding belly and felt our little one kick. I was always happy when the baby was moving because I knew that meant a healthy little boy was forming inside. I was 31 weeks pregnant and was excited that my husband and I were going to have our first sweet child in 9 or 10 weeks. 

A few nights prior, I was itching the skin on my arm and a scab no bigger than a pin top came off. It was so little I didn't even know it was there. It bled, and bled, and bled. I was surprised at how much it was bleeding for how little it was. It was fascinating me in a weird sort of way. The spot wasn't clotting like my skin normally did. I showed Izac, and eventually we got it stopped but it took awhile. I really didn't think too much of it after that. In fact I don't think it really crossed my mind again for quite some time. 

I had also recently fattened up. My face became more round than it had been before, my belly was big and my pants and shoes became tight. I just figured I was one of the unlucky ones that was privileged to get extra fat during the pregnancy. It was another thing I didn't really think twice about. 

I had had a doctors appointment the last week. It was one in which they had to take some blood for some test or another. I HATE needles. OK, that's being generous, I don't just hate them, but I hate them like a fly hates a fly swatter. I always get real nervous when I have to get poked for any reason. I can't watch it and I always bring a jacket to put over my eyes. 

They called me back into the room and I sat on the papered table. I was trying to be patient while I waited for the nurse to come back and get my blood pressure and weight. My heart rate was accelerating in anticipation of having to get poked by a needle. 

Finally, the nurse re-appeared and took my blood pressure. The look on her face told me that what she read wasn't good. She proceeded to ask me if anything was bothering me or on my mind. I told her that I had a phobia of needles and wasn't looking forward to getting my blood drawn. She replied that that must be why my blood pressure was so high and we were going to try again after I had been poked. 

The poking was terrible, as it always is, but I felt myself relax some when it was over. She came back in to take another blood pressure and noted that it had decreased from where it was before. Her and the doctor gave me a hard time about being so paranoid over needles. 

Those few events led up to the night that I will continue describing to you.    

Thoughts of motherhood brought me sweet joy. Everything was going to work out perfect. I was going to graduate with my Bachelors degree in July and then our little Ryker was going to come in August. I secretly hoped that he would come five days after my due date because then he would be born on big Ryker's birthday. Big Ryker was my cousin who had passed away in a drowning accident, he was my age and Izac and I felt it appropriate for many reasons to name him our baby after him (lucky for us our family members agreed).  

I had heard that it is common for girls to go over their due date with their first pregnancy and I was just fine with that happening to me. I was pretty average in everything that there was, so I figured it would all work out to my mental planning. 

We had plenty of time to have a baby shower and to find the rest of the baby items that we needed. I was looking forward to stocking the nursery before the baby came. It was going to be all organized, clean and ready to go. 

A short time after feeling the baby 'kick' him, I heard deep breathing coming from from my husband and I knew that he was asleep. I was having a pain in my rib that was keeping me awake. I had felt rib pains before but nothing quite this intense. I figured it was just part of the journey of being a pregnant woman and I continued to try and fall asleep. Sleep evaded me for quite sometime. The pain just would not let me rest. It was a weird pain that was constant and intense enough to keep me from shutting my eyes.

I decided that I was going to go try and watch a movie. Movies always put me to sleep, just ask my husband. I picked some western type chick flick that I knew Izac wouldn't like to watch and I started it. If this didn't work I didn't know what I was going to do... By the time I got the movie started it was around 1:30 am. Which is way later than I like to go to bed. 

I needed sleep. 

I had my internship and classes to attend the next day. I don't always do to the best on little sleep so I was really hoping my chick flick would lull me to sleep. 

While the movie was playing I tried holding my hand on my rib in the most painful spot, applying pressure. I tried laying on my back and on my side. I tried smashing my rib cage between some pillows but nothing was relieving my pain. The movie just kept on a rolling. It played and played and my rib kept hurting. To me it felt like just one rib was hurting on one side. It was getting to be excruciating. I wasn't even able to properly follow the movie that I was watching because I was thinking about the pain.  

The movie thing clearly wasn't working so I decided to read. I enjoyed reading, but reading at night always had that extra kick to make me tired. I tried to read, and to comprehend what I was reading but it wasn't working either. That incessant pain was there and it wouldn't go away no matter what way I laid or how much pressure I put on and off of my ribs. I was becoming exhausted and wanted so bad for sleep to come.

It was now about four in the morning and I decided that maybe I needed to wake Izac up and have him rub my ribs. I hated to do this because my wonderful husband worked so hard. He had long days at school, he rose early for class and went to bed late doing homework, and he was always working hard to make us a living. I hated to make him miss out on his already limited sleep. 

I was in some pretty agonizing pain though and I caved in and woke him up. He began rubbing my ribs and at times it felt better to where I could almost relax. It took some time but eventually I was able to fall into a sleep of pure exhaustion.

I have been told what happened next but I truly do not remember any of it...

Izac fell back to sleep shortly after I did and a short time later he was awakened because I was having a 'fit' as he described it. He said that I was rigid as a board and violently shaking. He called my parents, who fortunately lived around the corner, and my dad came over and assisted Izac in giving me a Priesthood blessing. I seemed to relax and my parents went back home.

An hour or so later after Izac had fallen back to sleep he was woken up from me going through another 'fit' a little more intense this time. I chipped a tooth amid the 'fit' and he was scared to death. He had no idea what was going on and was really worried for me. He immediately phoned my parents again and my mom came over and took us straight to the hospital.

Parts of the ride to the hospital are still in my memory. I remember my mom was driving really fast, I didn't know why she needed to go so fast. I was fine... or so I thought.  Hardly anyone was on the roads at six in the morning. I was worried we were going to get pulled over. Those are about the only things I remember from that drive. 

Izac had his arm wrapped tightly around me in an embrace and tried to keep me talking. He asked me how old I was, how old he was and where I was from. Some of the questions I just couldn't answer, I just didn't remember...

I can't imagine the worry I was putting my poor husband through. I wasn't intentionally doing it and I really don't remember being asked too many questions but I do remember telling him that I loved him. That filled Izac with great comfort and helped him get through the events that were about to take place. 

We walked into the emergency room of the hospital and they sat me in a wheel chair. After sitting down I don't really remember anything. I don't know how I got in a hospital gown, or how I got into a hospital bed but I do remember being told that I was going to have to have a C-section. Right after I was told this news I bursted out bawling. I didn't want to have a C-section, I wanted to have my baby the normal way. I still had 9 weeks to go. I was a normal girl in almost every aspect of the word, why was I having a C-section at 31 weeks? After I started crying my memory is blank and void of what I went through next. I don't remember a single thing.

Devastated knowing that I was going to have to have a C-section, put me through another 'fit', this time even more intense. The 'fits' actually turned out to be seizures, classifying me for Severe Eclampsia. I was shaking uncontrollably on the bed and every medical personal in the room ran to help hold me down. I had already chipped a tooth at home. With such an uncontrollable shake anything could happen. Code blue was called throughout the hospital in my behalf. If you don't know what a code blue is, according to Merriam-Webster it is "a declaration of or a state of medical emergency and call for medical personnel and equipment to attempt to resuscitate a patient especially when in cardiac arrest or respiratory distress or failure"  Needless to say, I guess I was dying.

Izac and my mom were escorted to another room to agonizingly wait to find out my status. Was I alive? was I dead? was the baby ok? did the seizures harm the baby? what was wrong? what was going on? 

I had no idea at the time, but it was a life or death situation. If they did not get that baby out we were both going to be goners. The way it was later explained to me was that my body started recognizing the baby as foreign and started to fight it, to get rid of it.

On  June 10, 2013 Izac Hillam and I became parents to little Ryker Scott Hillam and he was little, weighing in at 3 lbs 9 oz and 18 inches long.

I remember being told that I had a baby but my unstable condition didn't allow me to see him at all the first day. I didn't get off of that hospital bed for the whole day. I think I was in and out of consciousness. My doctor was rightly concerned that I might go through more seizures. They took an MRI (which I don't remember them doing at all) of my brain and found what looked to be swelling. This had them really concerned that I wasn't going to be the same Joslyn that I was before this whole episode took place. I had one concerned mother a concerned husband and many other family members and friends, who were now aware of my condition.

The next day I seemed improved slightly and they allowed me to be wheeled to the NICU to look at our baby through the incubator. He was so tiny. His cry was so fragile. I couldn't believe that that scrawny boney crying human was my son. I wanted to hold him but I wasn't up to it in strength or stamina. Just riding in the wheelchair to the NICU for 20 minutes about did me in and I fell right to sleep when we got back. 

That night my rib pain came back. It felt just like it had the night I couldn't fall asleep. I told my mom and Izac, who had been at the hospital this whole time and they jumped right on it contacting my nurse and doctor. They put me on a medication that I don't remember the name of and I fell back to sleep.

When I finally woke up at who-knows-what-time I noticed that I had IV's and all sorts of needles stuck everywhere, protruding out of my arms. Normally, this would have put me into a hysterical fit but I was really not myself, they were just annoying to move. I also had the privilege to wear those air boot sock things that were wrapped around my feet and would periodically fill up with air. They were annoying too.

(My arms after I got everything removed)

I was stuck on an all liquid diet because of the medication and the worry of more seizures. When my appetite finally started to come back, liquids wasn't what I really wanted... I don't remember what it was I wanted, maybe some pancakes with maple syrup and butter, maybe a medium rare steak with a baked potato lathered in sour cream and butter, or maybe just peanut butter m&ms; but I couldn't have any of those things. However, I did get all the chicken/beef broth and jello that I wanted :)  

Eventually, I was well enough that I could hold my baby for the first time. I was so  nervous to hold him. He had just as many needles coming out of him as I did but his were located in his head... I didn't want to do any harm to my baby but I wanted oh so bad to hold him. He was our miracle and I wanted to hold his breathing body in my arms. 

The moment was tender and brought tears to my eyes. My husband was there, my baby was there and we were all alive in that hospital room together. I felt so comforted to know that we were united with an eternal bond that no matter if our baby made it through or not we were sealed together to be an eternal family. That knowledge helped pull me through many tough times and days in the NICU with our little Ryker. 

Our little boy didn't want to come late as I had mentally planned for him to. Instead he chose to come in the middle of my last semester at college, in the middle of my internship, and in the middle the job I had for a physical therapist. The timing really wasn't the best, and took us all by surprise. My nursery wasn't ready. The house wasn't clean and I hadn't had a baby shower. Izac and I were all the sudden parents two months before we thought we would be. 

Now as I look back on it, if things didn't happen the way they did (him coming so early), I don't know if I would be a stay at home mom like I am today. I probably would have had a job lined up after my internship to help me get some experience in the field of my degree. Once I got in the workplace I know it would have been really hard for me to quit, especially if I moved up the ladder like I had planned to do. I probably would have put off quitting and put it off until it was too late. The Lord truly knows us individually. He knew that I needed to be a stay-at-home-mom and that my primary responsibility was for my family.  

We had some ups and downs in having our baby in the NICU for 35 days and being transferred twice during that time (those are stories for another time). But all in all everything worked out. I came back to my normal self begging the doctor to release me from the hospital prison. He thought I was crazy for planning to go to class the next week and thought I should take two weeks off. Have you ever taken two weeks off of a college course? It's is no bueno and in some cases not possible. I was feeling like a new woman and needed to get somethings in my life done. 

The doctor let me out after I had been in the hospital for a full week. He told me that my blood not clotting, the swelling (my fat face, belly and legs), and the high blood pressure were all signs of 'preeclampsia'. My condition turned into eclapmsia because I had the seizures with it. The seizures are bad and they try to avoid those at all costs... Over time, I completed a full recovery with a six inch scar reminding me of the morning our first child and son was born.   

 Somehow, through a process I don't even remember, I gave birth to our son. I was his mom and things were going to work out. At times since his birth the days and weeks have gone by rather slow but looking back at it now the year has gone by fast. Its weird for me to think that I have a one year old. Some days it is difficult for me being 'just a mom' but I know without a doubt in my mind that this is where I am supposed to be.

(Sometime I will have my mom and Izac write their side of the story and feelings of what happened on June 10, 2013, That will give you more feel on what they were thinking and feeling during the times I don't remember anything and make the story more intriguing.)

On a side note...

A friend in her blog referred her readers to another blog entitled The Moments We Stand . I had some time during my son's nap and I decided to check it out. I read all 29 (I think she has more now) of her posts (not all during nap time of course but over two or three days I read them all). She started this blog in January and it is about what happened in her family three years ago and how they coped. 

Ashlee is the woman that went through a horrific turn of events. The same night she found out her husband was murdered, she found out he hadn't been faithful to her. The man that killed him was his 'mistress's' husband. Together Ashlee and her husband had been married in the temple, married for (about) seven years and had 5 children together (all real young when the events happened). She writes her story all tells of the events leading up to his death, events after his death, and her constant learning and growing. She is really motivational and positive and constantly talks about the Savior and her testimony of him. It really has been inspiring to read. 

Here are just a couple of excerpts from her blogs:

"Heavenly Father knows that sometimes our pinnacles are greater than we can handle alone. That is why he sent us a Savior. I didn't have to carry around this pain. It was not mine to bear all by myself. There will always be a burden around each of our necks in one way or another. There will always be another hill to climb before we can reach the peace at the end of the road. Our journeys can sometimes feel unbearable and like we have been abandoned, overlooked, insignificant, and alone. We are never alone." -Ashlee  A dream of hope

"True joy comes when we put others ahead of ourselves. When we allow God to steer our course. I know that every day can seem a little bit more daunting than the last. The moments we stand can, at times, seem impossible. But true joy will not come if all we have is ourselves. Take care of the people who stand in those moments with you. Even if you can't feel the love that is pouring out all over you.... when the darkness fades, eventually you will be able to find it and focus on it. That love will be stronger than any selfish desire that tried to take you away from it." Ashlee- Not about YOU

"The world will tell you that you are not enough. They will make you feel like you are not measuring up in any of the things that you do. And most of the time, we listen. We allow the world to tell us that being a "stay at home Mom" is not a worthy title. The world will whisper to you that your potential is worth so much more than sitting at home and changing diapers. Voices are every where. Every magazine you read, every commercial you watch... Voices. Speaking to you. Make sure the voices you hear are the ones who are speaking words that are worthy of your time. Don't let the world's whisperings pull you away from the path that you want to live." -Ashlee Voices 

If you or anyone has the chance, I would encourage you to take a minute (or hours) to read her blog. It has inspired me in so many ways! She is writing her story in chronological order, so my suggestion is to start from the first and read them in order.

I got the picture from: https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTehtziDvtwtDi1CcU55vnQHDa9pQXf7Dt1mY4W-__lZZQWn5HKkiaSKAYg2ZB_v_tzcqesWWZkRhfyHUpFg4InKN6kWHUeqaH_E7TnZYunj15V9HxIOjfBL3B5dXDI1WXpzCBTsseyJL5/s1600/funeral.jpg 

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