Approximately 365 days ago I was preparing to go to bed as any other night. I scrubbed the make up off of my face with my dampened wash cloth and proceeded to brush my teeth. As soon as I was finished with my nightly bathroom routine I laid down and felt the baby move inside of me. It is a different feeling than I had ever felt before, feeling a baby move inside and it is difficult to explain. As my husband came to lay by my side he put his hand on my protruding belly and felt our little one kick. I was always happy when the baby was moving because I knew that meant a healthy little boy was forming inside. I was 31 weeks pregnant and was excited that my husband and I were going to have our first sweet child in 9 or 10 weeks.
A few nights prior, I was itching the skin on my arm and a scab no bigger than a pin top came off. It was so little I didn't even know it was there. It bled, and bled, and bled. I was surprised at how much it was bleeding for how little it was. It was fascinating me in a weird sort of way. The spot wasn't clotting like my skin normally did. I showed Izac, and eventually we got it stopped but it took awhile. I really didn't think too much of it after that. In fact I don't think it really crossed my mind again for quite some time.
I had also recently fattened up. My face became more round than it had been before, my belly was big and my pants and shoes became tight. I just figured I was one of the unlucky ones that was privileged to get extra fat during the pregnancy. It was another thing I didn't really think twice about.
I had had a doctors appointment the last week. It was one in which they had to take some blood for some test or another. I HATE needles. OK, that's being generous, I don't just hate them, but I hate them like a fly hates a fly swatter. I always get real nervous when I have to get poked for any reason. I can't watch it and I always bring a jacket to put over my eyes.
They called me back into the room and I sat on the papered table. I was trying to be patient while I waited for the nurse to come back and get my blood pressure and weight. My heart rate was accelerating in anticipation of having to get poked by a needle.
Finally, the nurse re-appeared and took my blood pressure. The look on her face told me that what she read wasn't good. She proceeded to ask me if anything was bothering me or on my mind. I told her that I had a phobia of needles and wasn't looking forward to getting my blood drawn. She replied that that must be why my blood pressure was so high and we were going to try again after I had been poked.
The poking was terrible, as it always is, but I felt myself relax some when it was over. She came back in to take another blood pressure and noted that it had decreased from where it was before. Her and the doctor gave me a hard time about being so paranoid over needles.
Those few events led up to the night that I will continue describing to you.
Thoughts of motherhood brought me sweet joy. Everything was going to work out perfect. I was going to graduate with my Bachelors degree in July and then our little Ryker was going to come in August. I secretly hoped that he would come five days after my due date because then he would be born on big Ryker's birthday. Big Ryker was my cousin who had passed away in a drowning accident, he was my age and Izac and I felt it appropriate for many reasons to name him our baby after him (lucky for us our family members agreed).
I had heard that it is common for girls to go over their due date with their first pregnancy and I was just fine with that happening to me. I was pretty average in everything that there was, so I figured it would all work out to my mental planning.
We had plenty of time to have a baby shower and to find the rest of the baby items that we needed. I was looking forward to stocking the nursery before the baby came. It was going to be all organized, clean and ready to go.
A short time after feeling the baby 'kick' him, I heard deep breathing coming from from my husband and I knew that he was asleep. I was having a pain in my rib that was keeping me awake. I had felt rib pains before but nothing quite this intense. I figured it was just part of the journey of being a pregnant woman and I continued to try and fall asleep. Sleep evaded me for quite sometime. The pain just would not let me rest. It was a weird pain that was constant and intense enough to keep me from shutting my eyes.
I decided that I was going to go try and watch a movie. Movies always put me to sleep, just ask my husband. I picked some western type chick flick that I knew Izac wouldn't like to watch and I started it. If this didn't work I didn't know what I was going to do... By the time I got the movie started it was around 1:30 am. Which is way later than I like to go to bed.
I needed sleep.
I had my internship and classes to attend the next day. I don't always do to the best on little sleep so I was really hoping my chick flick would lull me to sleep.
While the movie was playing I tried holding my hand on my rib in the most painful spot, applying pressure. I tried laying on my back and on my side. I tried smashing my rib cage between some pillows but nothing was relieving my pain. The movie just kept on a rolling. It played and played and my rib kept hurting. To me it felt like just one rib was hurting on one side. It was getting to be excruciating. I wasn't even able to properly follow the movie that I was watching because I was thinking about the pain.
The movie thing clearly wasn't working so I decided to read. I enjoyed reading, but reading at night always had that extra kick to make me tired. I tried to read, and to comprehend what I was reading but it wasn't working either. That incessant pain was there and it wouldn't go away no matter what way I laid or how much pressure I put on and off of my ribs. I was becoming exhausted and wanted so bad for sleep to come.
It was now about four in the morning and I decided that maybe I needed to wake Izac up and have him rub my ribs. I hated to do this because my wonderful husband worked so hard. He had long days at school, he rose early for class and went to bed late doing homework, and he was always working hard to make us a living. I hated to make him miss out on his already limited sleep.
I was in some pretty agonizing pain though and I caved in and woke him up. He began rubbing my ribs and at times it felt better to where I could almost relax. It took some time but eventually I was able to fall into a sleep of pure exhaustion.
I have been told what happened next but I truly do not remember any of it...
Izac fell back to sleep shortly after I did and a short time later he was awakened because I was having a 'fit' as he described it. He said that I was rigid as a board and violently shaking. He called my parents, who fortunately lived around the corner, and my dad came over and assisted Izac in giving me a Priesthood blessing. I seemed to relax and my parents went back home.
An hour or so later after Izac had fallen back to sleep he was woken up from me going through another 'fit' a little more intense this time. I chipped a tooth amid the 'fit' and he was scared to death. He had no idea what was going on and was really worried for me. He immediately phoned my parents again and my mom came over and took us straight to the hospital.
Parts of the ride to the hospital are still in my memory. I remember my mom was driving really fast, I didn't know why she needed to go so fast. I was fine... or so I thought. Hardly anyone was on the roads at six in the morning. I was worried we were going to get pulled over. Those are about the only things I remember from that drive.
Izac had his arm wrapped tightly around me in an embrace and tried to keep me talking. He asked me how old I was, how old he was and where I was from. Some of the questions I just couldn't answer, I just didn't remember...
I can't imagine the worry I was putting my poor husband through. I wasn't intentionally doing it and I really don't remember being asked too many questions but I do remember telling him that I loved him. That filled Izac with great comfort and helped him get through the events that were about to take place.
We walked into the emergency room of the hospital and they sat me in a wheel chair. After sitting down I don't really remember anything. I don't know how I got in a hospital gown, or how I got into a hospital bed but I do remember being told that I was going to have to have a C-section. Right after I was told this news I bursted out bawling. I didn't want to have a C-section, I wanted to have my baby the normal way. I still had 9 weeks to go. I was a normal girl in almost every aspect of the word, why was I having a C-section at 31 weeks? After I started crying my memory is blank and void of what I went through next. I don't remember a single thing.
Izac and my mom were escorted to another room to agonizingly wait to find out my status. Was I alive? was I dead? was the baby ok? did the seizures harm the baby? what was wrong? what was going on?
I had no idea at the time, but it was a life or death situation. If they did not get that baby out we were both going to be goners. The way it was later explained to me was that my body started recognizing the baby as foreign and started to fight it, to get rid of it.
On June 10, 2013 Izac Hillam and I became parents to little Ryker Scott Hillam and he was little, weighing in at 3 lbs 9 oz and 18 inches long.
The next day I seemed improved slightly and they allowed me to be wheeled to the NICU to look at our baby through the incubator. He was so tiny. His cry was so fragile. I couldn't believe that that scrawny boney crying human was my son. I wanted to hold him but I wasn't up to it in strength or stamina. Just riding in the wheelchair to the NICU for 20 minutes about did me in and I fell right to sleep when we got back.
When I finally woke up at who-knows-what-time I noticed that I had IV's and all sorts of needles stuck everywhere, protruding out of my arms. Normally, this would have put me into a hysterical fit but I was really not myself, they were just annoying to move. I also had the privilege to wear those air boot sock things that were wrapped around my feet and would periodically fill up with air. They were annoying too.
(My arms after I got everything removed)
Eventually, I was well enough that I could hold my baby for the first time. I was so nervous to hold him. He had just as many needles coming out of him as I did but his were located in his head... I didn't want to do any harm to my baby but I wanted oh so bad to hold him. He was our miracle and I wanted to hold his breathing body in my arms.
We had some ups and downs in having our baby in the NICU for 35 days and being transferred twice during that time (those are stories for another time). But all in all everything worked out. I came back to my normal self begging the doctor to release me from the hospital prison. He thought I was crazy for planning to go to class the next week and thought I should take two weeks off. Have you ever taken two weeks off of a college course? It's is no bueno and in some cases not possible. I was feeling like a new woman and needed to get somethings in my life done.
Somehow, through a process I don't even remember, I gave birth to our son. I was his mom and things were going to work out. At times since his birth the days and weeks have gone by rather slow but looking back at it now the year has gone by fast. Its weird for me to think that I have a one year old. Some days it is difficult for me being 'just a mom' but I know without a doubt in my mind that this is where I am supposed to be.
(Sometime I will have my mom and Izac write their side of the story and feelings of what happened on June 10, 2013, That will give you more feel on what they were thinking and feeling during the times I don't remember anything and make the story more intriguing.)
