Going Flying

My little sister and I planned a trip to the temple, it was glorious being there and what made it even better was that my handsome priesthood holder was able to go with and baptize myself, my sister, and a couple of her friends. I thoroughly enjoyed the spirit that I felt while there participating in work for the dead and enjoying that spirit with my potential future companion.

Afterwards, Izac's dad was at their airplane hanger in Rigby and Izac got this idea that his dad should take me for a ride in an aerobatic airplane... I was way excited, I had only flown commercial airlines a couple of times, nothing like a small two seater aerobatic airplane. The thought of this made me a little nervous. Before making our way to the hanger, we stopped by my house to change out of our nice clothes. Izac encouraged me to wear light, cooler clothes to go flying in.

Butterflies started to twitch rapidly in my stomach as we watched Izac's dad do a few touch-and-go's before he took me up with him. This was serious stuff, Izac even called my dad and asked his permission for me to go up in the airplane. I think while I put the emergency parachute on my back the butterflies had babies and were quickly multiplying in my stomach. They started even more rapidly reproducing when Izac helped me get strapped in the 50 point harness. I was given careful instructions on what to do and what not to do, I tried really hard not to show it but I was scared out of my mind!

I had a head set on and I was able to communicate with Izac's dad who navigated from the back seat of the plane, which meant I was seated directly in front of him. The take off wasn't too bad and I managed to let a few of my butterflies escape as I enjoyed the nice scenery and weather from 1,000 feet above ground. He took me over Ririe Reservoir, I could really tell how high the water had been on the canyon walls, the water was a murky blue-green and actually looked inviting on this warm summer day.

Then came the moment where he was going to show me some aerobatics, those butterflies that had previously flown away swiftly returned. We first did a barrel roll and it didn't even really feel like I moved at all, it was a weird feeling. He then did a loop-de-loop, before I knew it the earth was directly over my head and my heart was pounding loud, I wondered if Izac's dad could hear it. The loop-de loop was some what familiar because I had been on various roller coasters that have them. We did another barrel roll and then a maneuver called a hammer head. To complete the hammer head maneuver, the smaller two seater air craft went straight up in the air and then we started free falling (well to me it felt like free falling) I completely lost my stomach as we careened towards the earth, me holding on to my 50 point harness for dear life. Before we hit the ground he pulled the plane back level in the sky (in reality we probably didn't even come close to the ground but it sure felt like it). I was beginning to feel the effect of so many G forces on my body, and most especially my stomach but I wasn't quite ready to call it quits. He then did what he called a Cuban eight; he flipped the plane over and we flew upside down for a brief while before we went back to normal then he turned the plane the to the other left and we flew upside down again. I was getting direction disoriented and couldn't tell if I was right side up or down. It was far better and more thrilling than any roller coaster that I had ever been on and my stomach was really feeling the effects. The butterflies were getting angry at having moved so much and I told him that I was rapidly approaching my limit. He said that we would head back, I was immensely relieved because I definitely wasn't feeling normal.

On the way back he offered to let me fly the plane. He explained that flying it can help overcome some sickness but I couldn't do it, it felt like to much liability to be placed in my hands. Thinking back I wish I would have taken the opportunity but at the time I was WAY to scared! We made it back safely and I didn't have to use my parachute (thank goodness). I was so sick and dizzy that I didn't think I could even drive. Earth did not feel stable, and everything around me was moving it felt. I had to rest a bit in the hanger, definitely not feeling good enough to navigate a vehicle on the road. I felt accomplished for being able to stomach that many maneuvers in the air but I did feel somewhat foolish for not feeling well after.

Finally, my collection of angry butterflies settled down somewhat and I was able to head back home where I took more time to rest, trying to get the rest of my bearings back. It was Ryker's (my cousin who passed away) birthday, and that evening we lit off some fireworks in his memory. Ryker had loved fireworks, almost anytime he came to visit he brought some to light off. He did crazy things with them too. One time he talked my dad into holding a lit fire cracker in his hand while it went off. It still hurt my heart to think of the short lives they lived, they died so young, I couldn't help but think of the fireworks he and Emma were probably lighting all over in Heaven. :)




Here is 'Our Love Story' Index if you are just tuning in or want to re-read anything :)

'Our Love Story' Index

With encouragement from my husband and others I have decided I am going to try and keep going on 'Our Love Story,' it has been since June of last year that I posted... That was quite a while ago... If you can't remember, or are just tuning in and want to know what has happened thus far in Izac and I's love story, I have listed the posts in order below. It seems like a lot, but they aren't super long posts and if you do a little at a time it can be accomplished. :)

1.The Pre-Beginning of Us

2. The Pre-Beginning of Us Continued

3. The Pre-Beginning of Us Continued Again ;)

4. The Very Beginning of Us

5. The Very Beginning, Later That Night

6. First Date With...

7. That Next Sunday

8. Stadium Singing

9. The Next Day

10. Cuddles

11. Kitchen Messes

12. Just Fishin'

13. Ryker and Emma

14. Riding Bikes

15.The Stars

16. The Stars Two

17. The Past

18. Sweet Understanding

19. Was it going to happen?

20. Denied...

21. The Fourth of July

22. Sprinklers

23. Hot Dog Style

24. That Play Mill Diva

25. The Big Disappointment

26. Virgin Lips

27. Secret Admirer

28. Busted

29.Activities with our Families

30.Spicy-Sweet-Hot-Burning-Sticky Goodness

31. Semester's End

32. Rattlers

33.Biking Idaho Falls

34. Firelight

35. Love

36. Chubby Jumping

37. Dreams and Fantasies

38. Bear Lake

39. Going Flying

40. Teton Village

41. Teton Village Continued

42. Marriage?

43. Sand Dunes

44. Embarrassed!
45. Excited Girl

46. A More Excited Girl!

This one isn't part of 'Our Love Story' but it is special :)
My Eclampsia Story

31 weeks

           There are emotions that come to me with being 31 weeks pregnant. 31 weeks was when my first baby was born, which was a little over two months early.... I am pregnant a second time and currently am 31 weeks along today.... Last time I was pregnant at this time I was having seizures and a stat C-section was preformed, in life saving measures.

          This current pregnancy has had its up and downs. Knowing my history, more precautions are being taken in monitoring my progress, which has helped in giving me comfort, but the times of wondering still have occurred. Wondering if I was going to live though it...? Wondering if my baby would live though it...? Wondering if I would have a stroke that would leave me, not me...? So many different scenarios have played through my mind in the last 31 or so weeks... I didn't want to think of not being here for my little family, but at times the thoughts wouldn't stop. It was difficult to not fall into the slums thinking that I might not live; I wanted to live. I wanted to spend my life making memories with my husband. I wanted to raise my children with my husband, teaching them right and guarding them with the correct principles. I wanted to live my dream of being a wonderful wife and mother; for a time I was really scared that I wouldn't be able to.

          We ended up moving while I was pregnant and it has been one of the best things for me! I love where we are and I have met and gotten to know some really great people, it has been faith building and sustaining in my time of great spiritual need and support. My Relief Society sisters have really helped me build my faith, to become a better Daughter of God, and know that if God wants me and my baby to live though this we will. It hasn't been easy and it has come little by little with a lot of nourishing but it is coming, and I can honestly say that I look to the future (and delivery of our baby) with hope, faith, and anticipation. I am learning to replace my fears with faith. Just last night my husband and I were discussing all the things we want to do with our kids and it was so fun and exciting, discussing how and what we wanted to teach them and the family activities that we wanted to do. The future looks bright and happy to me and that fills me with great contentment (it helps that I have the best husband in the whole world :) )! 

         It is very important to be aware, I am aware of all the signs and symptoms that I need to look for so the same thing doesn't occur again. I know that if my blood pressure gets high, if I have really bad rib pain in the right side, if I have proteins in my urine, headaches or blurry vision that I need to be on guard and in contact with the medical professionals that are taking such good care of me. We are hoping to at least make it to 34 weeks because at that time the baby's lungs are developed better, but anything beyond that will be a blessing! So far things have been going good! I haven't really had any of the symptoms and at a check up yesterday my blood pressure was 106/69 which is really good! I rub my belly and tell baby how much I love her and that she needs to stay in and healthy and warm for a few more weeks and I think it is helping (I am also not doing as much this time round). What I think has been helping the most though has been the prayers given in our behalf. Thank you to anyone who has thought of us! It truly has helped! 

         For me, it is like going through pregnancy for the first time. I don't remember a thing from our first baby's birth. It is a little nerve racking not knowing what to expect, but I look forward to it with faith and knowing my Heavenly Father with be close and help me though it. 

(P.S. I really dislike pregnant pictures of myself...barf..)

I follow this some lady's blog and this blog she wrote also helped me come out of my 'I'm not going to live' funk that I was in. Click Here.
And if you are really bored and want to know what happened when I had my first baby you can find that story HERE! :)

Card Board Puzzles

There is this awesome book that I bought a while ago that I haven't used near enough.

Anyways, I am supposed to do weekly activities with Ryker that help him learn. I finally pulled it out the other day and the activity of the week was to make a simple puzzle, so I did. I'm not really proud of the ones that I made, for my art work is terrible, but it was a fun activity for me to make and I found great joy in teaching Ryker how to put them together. If you can't tell what they are because of my fine art; I drew a house, a car, and a butterfly that my brother said looked like a moth... I am not an artist, its a fact I've accepted, but my 18 month old gets the jest of it (I hope...). 

I drew them on white paper, colored them with crayons, taped them on cardboard and cut them with scissors. :) They are real simple but his favorite to put together is the car (imagine that :) ).

See I think he likes my art ;-) Anyways, it was kind of fun and an easy thing to blog about.

Motherly Anguish

      The other night Izac and I were just getting ready to go to bed when we heard a noise from Ryker's room. He had been put to bed a couple hours prior and had been asleep. The noise resembled that of gagging, coughing, or choking, so I ran in there to make sure he was still breathing and he was sound asleep, bum in the air face laying on the mattress. I was confused and looked around and then the smell hit me. It was the smell of fresh puke. I moved his blankets a little more and found exactly what I had smelt. Baby puke all over. I woke Ryker up getting him out of the crib and handed him over to daddy to get him bathed while I changed his bedding.
I. did. not. want. a. sick. kid...
     We got him bathed and settled back in bed and a short time later he threw up again. I let Izac sleep this time because there wasn't a lot and he had to be to work in the morning. After some time Ryker went back to sleep, as did I.
For. a. short. time.
      I woke up with a start. A thought came into my mind. I instantly knew that it was one of those motherly instinct thoughts that has awaken many a mothers in the night. I recalled that earlier that day I had let Ryker play with one of my make up brushes while I was trying to get ready for somewhere we had to be. It was a smaller brush and soon he had pulled the brush part away from the handle thing, I took the brush part away and told him not to put the other piece in his mouth. He walked off into the other room with no noise. I hurriedly followed him and checked for the handle part but it wasn't in his hands or anywhere. I couldn't find it on the floor either. He seemed to be acting fine so I picked him up and we left to our appointment. I didn't think about the brush or the small handle he had played with again...
Until. I. woke. up. with. a. start. at. 3 am.
     I knew it, I just knew that was why he was throwing up. He had swallowed the handle to my make up brush I began panicking, knowing that it was probably big enough that that his little body wouldn't be able to naturally pass it through. I was sick to my stomach thinking that I had neglected to watch my child more closely with such little objects. I began praying to my Heavenly Father that I would be able to find the piece or that our little one would be able to throw it up. I didn't stop earnestly praying.
Sleep.was. useless.
      The thought came to me that I should go check the laundry and see if he had perhaps thrown up that piece and if it was in his soiled blankets and sheets. I made my way to the basement and went through every piece of material that had been in the wash and... nothing. I didn't know what to do... I went in and Ryker was sleeping peacefully so I decided to go lay back down, all the while continuing my prayers to my Father in Heaven. I worried about having to tell Izac that I had let Ryker play with a piece that he could swallow.  All sorts of thoughts and possibilities were racing thought my thought. I thought about having to have a chest X-ray, and the $300.00 co-pay for every X-ray. I thought about the X-ray and seeing that piece in his stomach. I thought about the doctors telling us that the only way to get it out would be surgery at Primary Children's Hospital in Salt Lake. I thought about how this would wipe Izac and I clean financially.
I. just. laid. there. praying. hard. thinking. and. letting. time. pass.
     After a little while, the all to familiar noise of my son throwing up got me straight out of bed. I told Izac he threw up again and went in to clean him up. There wasn't a lot of throw up and no make up brush handle in it but Ryker was wide awake. First, I decided to look up on the internet symptoms of swallowing something, so Ryker sat on my lap and we looked it up. I read things like '...child will loose appetite and not want to eat...' Ryker had been a terrible eater since it had happened. '...vomiting is a sign that your child has swallowed something...' I was really getting worried... Ryker had, all of those symptoms. I was a terrible mother and we were going to have to pay (literally) because of me... I began pleading even harder, 'Heavenly Father, please help him throw it up, or let the doctors tell us he will be able to poop it out... Please help me...
Please. let. it. not. lead. to.surgery...'  
       I took our little boy to my rocking chair and we rocked together for a minute before he wanted to get up to play. I figured this was as good as time as any to break the news to Izac of what I thought had happened. I went in and tried as gently as I could to wake Izac up. Soon he was awake and I told him everything that I thought had happened. He didn't raise his voice or yell or call me a bad mom he just seemed disappointed and talked about what this would cost us. He didn't think that Ryker would be able to pass the piece naturally either. I told Izac we had been by the dresser and Izac started looking for the piece...
I took Ryker in my arms and started rocking him again and abruptly he got out of the chair and started gagging, I held the blanket next to his mouth and he threw up in the blanket, I encouraged him to get it out, throw it up.
I. wanted. the. piece. to. come. with. the. puke.
      Soon he was finished and I put the blanket in the laundry and went to help Izac look. I hadn't found it earlier and didn't have very high hopes of finding it but we went to help anyways. I had a thought, that I don't think I can rightfully call a thought. I think it was more like the Spirit telling me where to look. The thought was check the drawers of the dresser.... I checked the first drawer and not make up brush handle.
I. checked. the. second. drawer...
And...
        I felt something. I felt something little and hard that did not feel like a sock. I pulled it up and to my great relief I found the makeup brush handle right there! I can't even begin to describe the weight and pressure that was moved off of me! Ryker was sick from something else and he hadn't swallowed my make up brush handle. As soon as I touched that hard plastic I knew that my Heavenly Father had answered my earnest prayers! I profusely thanked him for being there for me and answering my prayers. And just a couple hours before I was going to take Ryker into the doctors office. 
He. is. there. He. does. listen. and. He. does. answer. prayers.
      Ryker acted very hungry after he threw up the last time in my blanket, we fed him like six saltine crackers and gave him some Pedialyte drink. Izac couldn't go back to sleep and decided to go to work at 5:30 am. Ryker held down the crackers, went back to bed at 6:00 am and slept until 10:00 am. He didn't throw up again. I didn't have to take him to get a chest X-Ray that morning. My prayers had been answered by a loving Heavenly Father!

He. is. there.
He. does. listen. and.
He. does. answer. prayers.

Family Photos 2.0.1.4.

Summer has just been way to much fun, and I haven't made time for blogging like I should. I have got a few comments that I should pick it up again; so here I am trying to pick it up again. To make up for my slacking I will post some of our family pictures we got taken this fall :) 

A Couch in a field.

 Ryker likes to pose.

We like to kiss.

 Ryker and another of his poses.

Its kind of creepy but I love this one :)

Happy Family!!

 I think he learned to put grasses in his mouth from my dad...

Aren't we the cutest?

I love how the pictures in the field, in the overalls turned out!

I love our little family SO much!

Cousin Zeke and Ryker.

The boys with Uncle Kaden who is now in England on a mission!

Well... Not much... but it's a start right?

My Eclampsia Story

Approximately 365 days ago I was preparing to go to bed as any other night. I scrubbed the make up off of my face with my dampened wash cloth and proceeded to brush my teeth. As soon as I was finished with my nightly bathroom routine I laid down and felt the baby move inside of me. It is a different feeling than I had ever felt before, feeling a baby move inside and it is difficult to explain. As my husband came to lay by my side he put his hand on my protruding belly and felt our little one kick. I was always happy when the baby was moving because I knew that meant a healthy little boy was forming inside. I was 31 weeks pregnant and was excited that my husband and I were going to have our first sweet child in 9 or 10 weeks. 

A few nights prior, I was itching the skin on my arm and a scab no bigger than a pin top came off. It was so little I didn't even know it was there. It bled, and bled, and bled. I was surprised at how much it was bleeding for how little it was. It was fascinating me in a weird sort of way. The spot wasn't clotting like my skin normally did. I showed Izac, and eventually we got it stopped but it took awhile. I really didn't think too much of it after that. In fact I don't think it really crossed my mind again for quite some time. 

I had also recently fattened up. My face became more round than it had been before, my belly was big and my pants and shoes became tight. I just figured I was one of the unlucky ones that was privileged to get extra fat during the pregnancy. It was another thing I didn't really think twice about. 

I had had a doctors appointment the last week. It was one in which they had to take some blood for some test or another. I HATE needles. OK, that's being generous, I don't just hate them, but I hate them like a fly hates a fly swatter. I always get real nervous when I have to get poked for any reason. I can't watch it and I always bring a jacket to put over my eyes. 

They called me back into the room and I sat on the papered table. I was trying to be patient while I waited for the nurse to come back and get my blood pressure and weight. My heart rate was accelerating in anticipation of having to get poked by a needle. 

Finally, the nurse re-appeared and took my blood pressure. The look on her face told me that what she read wasn't good. She proceeded to ask me if anything was bothering me or on my mind. I told her that I had a phobia of needles and wasn't looking forward to getting my blood drawn. She replied that that must be why my blood pressure was so high and we were going to try again after I had been poked. 

The poking was terrible, as it always is, but I felt myself relax some when it was over. She came back in to take another blood pressure and noted that it had decreased from where it was before. Her and the doctor gave me a hard time about being so paranoid over needles. 

Those few events led up to the night that I will continue describing to you.    

Thoughts of motherhood brought me sweet joy. Everything was going to work out perfect. I was going to graduate with my Bachelors degree in July and then our little Ryker was going to come in August. I secretly hoped that he would come five days after my due date because then he would be born on big Ryker's birthday. Big Ryker was my cousin who had passed away in a drowning accident, he was my age and Izac and I felt it appropriate for many reasons to name him our baby after him (lucky for us our family members agreed).  

I had heard that it is common for girls to go over their due date with their first pregnancy and I was just fine with that happening to me. I was pretty average in everything that there was, so I figured it would all work out to my mental planning. 

We had plenty of time to have a baby shower and to find the rest of the baby items that we needed. I was looking forward to stocking the nursery before the baby came. It was going to be all organized, clean and ready to go. 

A short time after feeling the baby 'kick' him, I heard deep breathing coming from from my husband and I knew that he was asleep. I was having a pain in my rib that was keeping me awake. I had felt rib pains before but nothing quite this intense. I figured it was just part of the journey of being a pregnant woman and I continued to try and fall asleep. Sleep evaded me for quite sometime. The pain just would not let me rest. It was a weird pain that was constant and intense enough to keep me from shutting my eyes.

I decided that I was going to go try and watch a movie. Movies always put me to sleep, just ask my husband. I picked some western type chick flick that I knew Izac wouldn't like to watch and I started it. If this didn't work I didn't know what I was going to do... By the time I got the movie started it was around 1:30 am. Which is way later than I like to go to bed. 

I needed sleep. 

I had my internship and classes to attend the next day. I don't always do to the best on little sleep so I was really hoping my chick flick would lull me to sleep. 

While the movie was playing I tried holding my hand on my rib in the most painful spot, applying pressure. I tried laying on my back and on my side. I tried smashing my rib cage between some pillows but nothing was relieving my pain. The movie just kept on a rolling. It played and played and my rib kept hurting. To me it felt like just one rib was hurting on one side. It was getting to be excruciating. I wasn't even able to properly follow the movie that I was watching because I was thinking about the pain.  

The movie thing clearly wasn't working so I decided to read. I enjoyed reading, but reading at night always had that extra kick to make me tired. I tried to read, and to comprehend what I was reading but it wasn't working either. That incessant pain was there and it wouldn't go away no matter what way I laid or how much pressure I put on and off of my ribs. I was becoming exhausted and wanted so bad for sleep to come.

It was now about four in the morning and I decided that maybe I needed to wake Izac up and have him rub my ribs. I hated to do this because my wonderful husband worked so hard. He had long days at school, he rose early for class and went to bed late doing homework, and he was always working hard to make us a living. I hated to make him miss out on his already limited sleep. 

I was in some pretty agonizing pain though and I caved in and woke him up. He began rubbing my ribs and at times it felt better to where I could almost relax. It took some time but eventually I was able to fall into a sleep of pure exhaustion.

I have been told what happened next but I truly do not remember any of it...

Izac fell back to sleep shortly after I did and a short time later he was awakened because I was having a 'fit' as he described it. He said that I was rigid as a board and violently shaking. He called my parents, who fortunately lived around the corner, and my dad came over and assisted Izac in giving me a Priesthood blessing. I seemed to relax and my parents went back home.

An hour or so later after Izac had fallen back to sleep he was woken up from me going through another 'fit' a little more intense this time. I chipped a tooth amid the 'fit' and he was scared to death. He had no idea what was going on and was really worried for me. He immediately phoned my parents again and my mom came over and took us straight to the hospital.

Parts of the ride to the hospital are still in my memory. I remember my mom was driving really fast, I didn't know why she needed to go so fast. I was fine... or so I thought.  Hardly anyone was on the roads at six in the morning. I was worried we were going to get pulled over. Those are about the only things I remember from that drive. 

Izac had his arm wrapped tightly around me in an embrace and tried to keep me talking. He asked me how old I was, how old he was and where I was from. Some of the questions I just couldn't answer, I just didn't remember...

I can't imagine the worry I was putting my poor husband through. I wasn't intentionally doing it and I really don't remember being asked too many questions but I do remember telling him that I loved him. That filled Izac with great comfort and helped him get through the events that were about to take place. 

We walked into the emergency room of the hospital and they sat me in a wheel chair. After sitting down I don't really remember anything. I don't know how I got in a hospital gown, or how I got into a hospital bed but I do remember being told that I was going to have to have a C-section. Right after I was told this news I bursted out bawling. I didn't want to have a C-section, I wanted to have my baby the normal way. I still had 9 weeks to go. I was a normal girl in almost every aspect of the word, why was I having a C-section at 31 weeks? After I started crying my memory is blank and void of what I went through next. I don't remember a single thing.

Devastated knowing that I was going to have to have a C-section, put me through another 'fit', this time even more intense. The 'fits' actually turned out to be seizures, classifying me for Severe Eclampsia. I was shaking uncontrollably on the bed and every medical personal in the room ran to help hold me down. I had already chipped a tooth at home. With such an uncontrollable shake anything could happen. Code blue was called throughout the hospital in my behalf. If you don't know what a code blue is, according to Merriam-Webster it is "a declaration of or a state of medical emergency and call for medical personnel and equipment to attempt to resuscitate a patient especially when in cardiac arrest or respiratory distress or failure"  Needless to say, I guess I was dying.

Izac and my mom were escorted to another room to agonizingly wait to find out my status. Was I alive? was I dead? was the baby ok? did the seizures harm the baby? what was wrong? what was going on? 

I had no idea at the time, but it was a life or death situation. If they did not get that baby out we were both going to be goners. The way it was later explained to me was that my body started recognizing the baby as foreign and started to fight it, to get rid of it.

On  June 10, 2013 Izac Hillam and I became parents to little Ryker Scott Hillam and he was little, weighing in at 3 lbs 9 oz and 18 inches long.

I remember being told that I had a baby but my unstable condition didn't allow me to see him at all the first day. I didn't get off of that hospital bed for the whole day. I think I was in and out of consciousness. My doctor was rightly concerned that I might go through more seizures. They took an MRI (which I don't remember them doing at all) of my brain and found what looked to be swelling. This had them really concerned that I wasn't going to be the same Joslyn that I was before this whole episode took place. I had one concerned mother a concerned husband and many other family members and friends, who were now aware of my condition.

The next day I seemed improved slightly and they allowed me to be wheeled to the NICU to look at our baby through the incubator. He was so tiny. His cry was so fragile. I couldn't believe that that scrawny boney crying human was my son. I wanted to hold him but I wasn't up to it in strength or stamina. Just riding in the wheelchair to the NICU for 20 minutes about did me in and I fell right to sleep when we got back. 

That night my rib pain came back. It felt just like it had the night I couldn't fall asleep. I told my mom and Izac, who had been at the hospital this whole time and they jumped right on it contacting my nurse and doctor. They put me on a medication that I don't remember the name of and I fell back to sleep.

When I finally woke up at who-knows-what-time I noticed that I had IV's and all sorts of needles stuck everywhere, protruding out of my arms. Normally, this would have put me into a hysterical fit but I was really not myself, they were just annoying to move. I also had the privilege to wear those air boot sock things that were wrapped around my feet and would periodically fill up with air. They were annoying too.

(My arms after I got everything removed)

I was stuck on an all liquid diet because of the medication and the worry of more seizures. When my appetite finally started to come back, liquids wasn't what I really wanted... I don't remember what it was I wanted, maybe some pancakes with maple syrup and butter, maybe a medium rare steak with a baked potato lathered in sour cream and butter, or maybe just peanut butter m&ms; but I couldn't have any of those things. However, I did get all the chicken/beef broth and jello that I wanted :)  

Eventually, I was well enough that I could hold my baby for the first time. I was so  nervous to hold him. He had just as many needles coming out of him as I did but his were located in his head... I didn't want to do any harm to my baby but I wanted oh so bad to hold him. He was our miracle and I wanted to hold his breathing body in my arms. 

The moment was tender and brought tears to my eyes. My husband was there, my baby was there and we were all alive in that hospital room together. I felt so comforted to know that we were united with an eternal bond that no matter if our baby made it through or not we were sealed together to be an eternal family. That knowledge helped pull me through many tough times and days in the NICU with our little Ryker. 

Our little boy didn't want to come late as I had mentally planned for him to. Instead he chose to come in the middle of my last semester at college, in the middle of my internship, and in the middle the job I had for a physical therapist. The timing really wasn't the best, and took us all by surprise. My nursery wasn't ready. The house wasn't clean and I hadn't had a baby shower. Izac and I were all the sudden parents two months before we thought we would be. 

Now as I look back on it, if things didn't happen the way they did (him coming so early), I don't know if I would be a stay at home mom like I am today. I probably would have had a job lined up after my internship to help me get some experience in the field of my degree. Once I got in the workplace I know it would have been really hard for me to quit, especially if I moved up the ladder like I had planned to do. I probably would have put off quitting and put it off until it was too late. The Lord truly knows us individually. He knew that I needed to be a stay-at-home-mom and that my primary responsibility was for my family.  

We had some ups and downs in having our baby in the NICU for 35 days and being transferred twice during that time (those are stories for another time). But all in all everything worked out. I came back to my normal self begging the doctor to release me from the hospital prison. He thought I was crazy for planning to go to class the next week and thought I should take two weeks off. Have you ever taken two weeks off of a college course? It's is no bueno and in some cases not possible. I was feeling like a new woman and needed to get somethings in my life done. 

The doctor let me out after I had been in the hospital for a full week. He told me that my blood not clotting, the swelling (my fat face, belly and legs), and the high blood pressure were all signs of 'preeclampsia'. My condition turned into eclapmsia because I had the seizures with it. The seizures are bad and they try to avoid those at all costs... Over time, I completed a full recovery with a six inch scar reminding me of the morning our first child and son was born.   

 Somehow, through a process I don't even remember, I gave birth to our son. I was his mom and things were going to work out. At times since his birth the days and weeks have gone by rather slow but looking back at it now the year has gone by fast. Its weird for me to think that I have a one year old. Some days it is difficult for me being 'just a mom' but I know without a doubt in my mind that this is where I am supposed to be.

(Sometime I will have my mom and Izac write their side of the story and feelings of what happened on June 10, 2013, That will give you more feel on what they were thinking and feeling during the times I don't remember anything and make the story more intriguing.)